Hello world, and a goodbye note to Ethan.
hello world
hi world. hi universe. hi friends. hi future winston. and hi ethan.
these are by no means my first words to the universe. i’ve spoken millions of words before the ones being typed into this .md file. i honestly have no idea what this blog will be used for. what’s not personal enough that i’m willing to have it out on the internet but personal enough for me to take the time to actually write a blog post instead of the ordinary instagram post?
maybe over the course of some time, i’ll figure out what this blog is meant for when i already keep a paper journal.
with that being said, something big has happened today in my life. the rest of this post is dedicated to ethan william thurmond.
To Ethan
you know me and you know that i’m not the most open when it comes to emotional stuff like this. you just left a few hours ago and already i feel like part of me has died. i was already thinking about starting a blog, but you exiting from my life inspired me to actually get all the code to work to actually get this damn website to work.
it’s hard putting our relationship into words. it’s hard summing up three years of living together into one written piece. we might not have been the closest of guys. we only ever played video games together one time last week. i never worked out with you like john or sean. i never saw you drunk as often as i did my fraternity brothers. i’ve never heard about your demons like some of my high school friends. regardless, i think what we had was special. i remember when you first slid into my instagram dms. our texts were so awkward back then, it almost hurts to read back on now.
it’s weird thinking about the type of person i was back then. i was a ball of unfocused energy and you just knew me as that. and you somehow put up with that. maybe it’s that you were always so clear-sighted in what you wanted that you always seemed like a constant in my life. i felt like while i was out there growing, making mistakes i wish i could undo and saying stupid things i wish i could take back, that i came back home to you and you would just get me. i first came to this university only wanting to major in computer science, and now you’ve seen me branch off in so many different directions. i came here wanting nothing to do with physics and i remember making that very clear to you back in emmett 267. i also remember you saying that despite physics being a huge pain in the ass, it’s still one of those things that makes us better people, despite how weird that sounds. now i have dreams about rotational mechanics and surface integrals, and i never could’ve even imagined the thought if it weren’t for the sort of cognitive restructuring you presented me with these past three years.
the intellectual relationship we had was unlike any other. you challenged me to learn, and to love learning. and that might come as a surprise to you. you were always more motivated by the seals and working out that it might even be shocking to hear from me that you had such a role in my intellectual development. you can’t deny that you had such an impact. remember when you decided to take astr 1220 just to fill in your schedule? i followed right behind you and now astronomy feels like such a big part of my identity
it’s not only school shit either. i remember getting in your subaru first year to go to harris teeter and you were blasting paramore. now paramore is one of my favorite bands and i spent an ungodly amount of money on a concert ticket this summer. i’m sure there’s a bunch of different ways you influenced me that i can’t even think of. i came across a note left to you by caroline while cleaning up after you left. she signed it with her name and said in parentheses that you were the only one who still called her that. i didn’t even know that everyone else in her life was calling her something other than her legal name, and because you always referred to her as such, i always internalized her in the same way. i never really thought of it this way, but you really were a cornerstone of how i navigated parts of my social life. whenever i thought of the girls in 302 i always thought of them in my head as “ethan’s friends”. i once accidentally let that thought slip at your 21st birthday party and annie took it a little personally that i thought of her as “ethan’s friend” and not just “friend”. and while that’s kind of a fucked up way to view it, it still goes to show how big you were in my life.
you also got me to get back into being in shape. it’s crazy what a few years of no gym class does to a person. and sure, you could say that i was going to go on runs and work on my pullups because i wanted to be a marine, but living in the same place as you, seeing you persistently hit the gym and go on runs every day was the encouragement i needed to take charge of my own life. i’m still sad to know that i never went on a run with you like i said i would in our first year
the night before you made your first trip to vb on the 2nd of may, you said goodnight to me while i was brushing my teeth. in that moment i had to stop, because i realized that that was going to be one of the last times i would ever hear you say goodnight to me. knowing that you’re no longer a big part of my life has subject me to a wide array of emotions. to be honest, these feelings have been things that have been in the back of my mind ever since you told me you wanted to finish college early. when i was younger and more selfish, i was pretty upset with the idea of you leaving early. but now that i’ve grown and developed through college, i’ve come to understand that it’s not right for me to be upset just because you’re pursuing your dreams. when i was a kid i would always be jealous seeing people achieve great things. you were the first person to make me truly understand what it means to be happy for someone else’s achievements.
i’ve already written a whole essay at this point, and i’m gonna try to keep this from getting too long, so i guess i’ll start wrapping it up now.
FIRST, thanks for all the shit you’re leaving behind. all the pans and dishes and silverware that you got when you moved in here and didn’t even ask me to pay a part of. the printer that you never asked me to buy ink for. the ingredients here and there in the kitchen that you’d let me use because i forgot to get it from harris teeter. you’ve probably left me with several hundreds of dollars of stuff, all of which i am grateful for.
SECOND, never stop learning and never stop improving. whether you make it through bud/s, i hope whatever you find in your future will be something you find worthwhile. think about insane it is how you’ve learned so much and developed as a person in the past three years and gaze on into the future in awe as you try to imagine how much you’ll change and acheive in fourty years. it’s the glimmer in our eyes when we do what we love that makes us outstanding in our efforts. remember to look in the mirror every once in a while to find that glimmer.
THIRD, while this may be a goodbye for now, i want you to remember that you are always welcome to hit me up, forever and always. call or text or even facetime or whatever. while i don’t send you memes in our instagram dms (if only you used tiktok!), i watch each and every one of them and i laugh at each and every one of them. i will be deeply saddened the day you stop sending them. please god keep sending memes so we can bury our cringey old dms. if you wanted to respond to this, feel free to text it to me or email it to me, despite how much i’ve mentioned you text like a robot. i will be delighted to hear your thoughts. also feel free to share this with whomever you want, i’m sure your mom will love to see this.
thank you for being a good roommate, for being a true friend, and for playing such a pivotal role in my development. i hope that, whether by circumstance or sheer will, we may find that our paths cross yet again.
p.s. i recorded you driving out of our apartment so that you wouldn’t see me tearing up behind my phone.
